I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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