I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
