either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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