We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I supernannyed him into submission
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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