There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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