I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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