I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize