dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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