I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
