Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
