dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
