and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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