I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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