halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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