it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
