I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
