Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i think im in europe. pls send help
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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