i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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