Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize