u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize