Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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