Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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