I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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