If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
