So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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