evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
