I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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