omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
