My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
