Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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