i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
