I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
