It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
