you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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