I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
