The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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