i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
