i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
zippers are such a cool invention
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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