I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
