Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Randomize
