I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
