I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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