Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize