The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You were trust falling into bushes
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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