Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
