I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
