There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
