Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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