His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
