My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
