remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
