I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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