my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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