I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
