you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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